Sustaining Solid Friendships
My people are EVERYTHING to me. There isn’t a day that goes by that I am not surrounded by amazing friends (mostly strong, badass people). My running joke is that I can’t be left alone (I have gotten better at that along the way), but seriously, I love to spend quality time with my people. Friendships haven’t always been easy but I feel like I’ve learned some helpful things along the way. What I’ve learned over time is that the people in our life have so much impact on us, so it’s worth investing the time and energy into friendships because they really matter. My friends come from all walks of life, live all around the country and have so many different beliefs and ways of being. I love being surrounded by high-quality, solid people. My friends have reflected back to me who I really am. They really see me and know me and they know pretty much everything about my life. My friends have spent time with me laughing, crying, challenging each other, eating good food, goofing off, walking through hard things, traveling together, and so much more. My friendships are literally the glue that holds my life together. Here’s what I’ve learned over time about friendships.
Show up for your people. A lot of my friends joke that they have me on speed dial and use me as their emergency contact because I always answer the phone. Unless I am in the shower (and even probably then), I respond. I’m certainly not perfect (and boundaries are important too), but I’ve learned over time that showing up for people comes back to you one-thousand-fold. When you show up for people, they show up for you. We don’t walk through this life on an island - when you invest time into people, they want to invest time into you. Even with the distance, my friends from afar know that I’ll respond to them. It’s really simple but it means a lot.
Enter friendships with a generous heart. This is somewhat related to the first point, but I try to be generous with my friends. Generosity comes in many forms: time, energy, talents, money, gifts, acts of service, etc. I try to lead with a generous heart. Life becomes a lot fuller when you live out of a generous spirit, rather than worrying only about yourself. It doesn’t matter how you show your generosity, but treat your people like they mean something to you.
Communicate with vulnerability. This is obvious, but you need to communicate with friends - about good things, bad things, ugly things, etc. You need to be able to communicate what is going on in your life while being honest and vulnerable. This is hard, but it’s worth it. Deep trust is built when friends can share what is really going on, without masking things or making things look prettier than they are.
Celebrate together. I’ve learned in the last few years in particular that it’s worth your time to find reasons to celebrate. My friends have celebrated the winter and summer solstice, Galentine’s Day, birthdays, game days, holidays, and more. It doesn’t need to be fancy or stuffy. There is something beautiful about celebrating even the smallest things. Life is too hard to skip over celebrations.
Walk alongside friends in darkness. Life is messy, life is hard and sometimes we have to deal with things that are almost unbearable. This is where you need to show up most. People like to be cared for and seen in various ways. Be respectful of those needs. Showing up doesn’t always mean overwhelming people with gifts or big gestures (unless that is what they want), but being there, checking in and being a steady presence goes a long way. The toughest moments of my life have been made lighter by my people just showing up and creating and holding space for me.
Be protective. You’ll see the fiery side of Kelly come out if anyone messes around with my friends. Ooooooohhhhhhh goodness this is a no-go for me. I’m not encouraging you to be an asshole but defend your friends. This also doesn’t need to be fake - if they’ve messed up, I think it’s okay to call them out for that (with loving kindness), but defend your people. Again, our people are all we have. It has meant SO much to me when my friends have stood in my corner as people made up rumors about me, spread nasty lies and spoke negatively about me. To know that I could trust them and rely on them meant the world and it still does.
Travel together. It has been so fun to travel with some of my people. To get away, get out of town, eat some good food and have new experiences together have been some of the most joyful times. Again, this doesn’t need to be complicated. A day trip counts too! But to take friendships out of just daily, routine experiences can be so meaningful and life-giving.
Forgive and be willing to admit your flaws. Oooof I have struggled here, people. I am actively working on being better about this. When someone crosses your boundaries or hurts you, you need to stand up for yourself. But, there are a lot of things in life that people have done to me, often out of their own trauma or pain, that I’m learning to let go of. It hurts more to hold onto it. I’m learning to live more lightly, being willing to give grace and have patience. I am certainly not perfect, so I can’t expect other people to be. Sometimes, our people aren’t going to get it right. We don’t need to hold a grudge about absolutely everything. It can be so helpful and healing to learn to forgive, to let go and to walk with grace. People will begin to feel safer around you knowing they don’t need to walk on eggshells or that you won’t just run away if they make one mistake.
Take good care of your people. They are everything in this life.
