Building a Faith That Works
My first really big encounter with God was somewhere around 7th or 8th grade on a retreat where we watched the Passion of the Christ (on a lock-in retreat leading into Good Friday). I felt deeply the presence of God in my life and God’s love for me in a real, tangible way. I was overcome with emotion. I couldn’t believe that someone could love me that much. My teenage years were filled with building my faith as a result of that moment. I was actively involved in youth group and campus ministry at my school. I was pretty obsessed with knowing everything I needed to know about Catholicism. I read and read and read, I absorbed as much as I could in school, and I threw myself into spirituality. I have said a few times that I can be pretty extreme and for a period of my teenage years, I lived and breathed being Catholic. That period of my life brought so much joy and love - knowing God was transforming my life. But it is probably pretty telling that my faith journey began in a really intense way (watching the Passion) and remained pretty intense.
Intensity doesn’t always breed stability and so, eventually, my faith would come crashing down and began to crumble in a really intense way. Just in the same way that I felt God so strongly as a middle schooler, I very quickly spiraled into a place where I didn’t feel God at all and essentially threw away faith as an important part of my life. Most of that was due to the immense grief and suffering that I was experiencing. I was also 18, so it is probably okay to give myself a break on that one. I recently read “I Guess I Haven’t Learned That Yet” by Shauna Niequist and she shared that at a time in her life, it felt like “everything that used to work stopped working all at once.” This is PRECISELY how I felt about my sense of faith. It worked for so long, and then it just didn’t.
Then, in 2021, God called me back. I found a church community that really felt like what Christianity (I think) is supposed to feel like - full of love, acceptance, forgiveness and real relationships built on authenticity. I really never thought this would happen. Since the time my faith started to shake, I truly didn’t think that it would ever become a part of my life again. I thought I had moved on from God, and frankly, I thought God had moved on from me and left me alone in my pain and grief. These past 2+ years have been full of reconstructing a faith that works for me. I remember when my Pastors spoke about deconstruction and reconstruction, it was literally the first time that a faith leader in my life was honest about the fact that your faith naturally goes through changes over time - that is actually quite normal and probably very healthy.
If your faith looks exactly the same in all seasons of your life, you’re probably missing something. This thought was so freeing to me. I realized for the first time that I had an opportunity to figure out who God was in my life now - for this version of Kelly. In fact, my faith isn't broken, it was there all along. It was just buried under the weight of pain. And that little seed of faith needed a loving community and a sense of safety to come out from under the covers and be in the light.
Over the last couple of years, I feel God’s presence in my life again after about 8+ years of feeling completely separated from God. This feeling has been amazing. The difference this time is that it feels real. I’m no longer obsessed with my relationship with God. I mean, God is pretty cool, but I’m not approaching faith from a place of obsession. It is a healthy, steady, real, authentic, honest relationship this time around. I think that is more of what it is supposed to be. As I’ve grown and matured in my faith, I’ve realized that it is okay to be honest with God about my life - about my flaws and my suffering. I don’t have to hide from God. Guess what? God already knows. God is an all-knowing, all-loving, ever-present, nurturing God. I don’t need to hide.
This version of my faith feels like it is authentic to who I am. I don’t think I need to put on a show, I don’t need to act like I’m perfect. I’m loved exactly as I am. For the first time, I finally really believe that in my bones.
Growing up Catholic gave me a lot of gifts - I appreciate and honor the deep tradition and practices of the Catholic church. But, I also think growing up Catholic locked me into a box that I had to let myself out of. This isn’t to say that I hate the Catholic church. I fully believe that there are a lot of amazing, rich practices that Catholicism teaches us. But I also think I was raised in a tradition that was so restrictive and so punitive, that it sometimes failed to really see people, to really see me. At some points in my life, I felt like I had to squeeze myself into this mold that I just didn’t fit into. That became so difficult that eventually, it felt like leaving was the only option and that feels sad to me. I see now that being locked into this box or mold was actually keeping me from a more authentic relationship with God. I realize now that in order for faith to work, whatever practices I am participating in need to help bring me closer to God, not farther away.
Diving back into my faith makes me feel like such a beginner all over again. It feels like I have a lot to learn and figure out. But this time, I’m trying to be gentle with myself in that process. I want to build a faith that works for me - not in a selfish way, but rather to focus on building a faith that I can sustain. I don’t want a faith that I am forced to run away from because I feel out of options. I want to remain connected to a God who I know loves me and cares about me, despite all of my flaws.
I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Glennon Doyle’s Untamed: “Destruction is essential to construction. If we want to build the new, we must be willing to let the old burn. The building of the true and beautiful means the destruction of the good enough.”
In this season, I am learning what it means to be a person of faith and a person who trusts God with her life again. In order for this new faith to be born again, I’ve had to be willing to let the old go. What is being built is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.
