gratitude for the good, the not great and the not yet
I’ve had this post written for over a week and had not published it yet because I felt like I needed to sit with my thoughts a little longer. And then, miraculously, the message at church today was about gratitude. That helped me finish up the little parts that were still unwritten. I love it when things align :) We live in a culture of never feeling like anything is enough. As an avid Instagram user, the weeks leading into the holiday season can feel like absolute chaos as we absorb so much content about all of the things we need. I like clothes and shoes and bags and jewelry as much as anyone. I have a taste for the finer things in my life (my bank account will support that statement). But all of us can get overwhelmed by this feeling of not-enoughness. The Christmas season can often have a negative impact on our souls when we choose to focus on all of the things we don’t have.
My spiritual director and I have been talking about setting some of my own intentions for this Advent season. I have always had a special admiration for Mary, the mother of Jesus and advent is always the time that I have her on my mind the most. A teenage girl, on the margins of society, who would be shunned for having a baby out of wedlock was the exact person God chose for the biggest miracle. This story still amazes and fascinates me. I love to sit near the person of Mary in this season because I feel like I can relate to her story the most. The willingness to say yes, even when she did not know what was next. What faith it must have taken.
I am trying to find my place this Advent season, in what feels like my own season of waiting on what is to come. I feel like I have been in a period of waiting, of hoping, of naming my desires to God. And I am still trying to say yes. My life isn’t what I thought it would be in my 29th year. The truth is, I thought I would be married and have kids by now. I didn’t really think I would be living in the middle of Michigan (LOL). I didn’t think I would be battling chronic illness and constant pain in my body. That is just my current reality. But I’m still trying to say yes. That yes can feel shaky and can be hard when it feels like life isn’t what you thought it would be.
Before Advent begins, and as we come out of the week of Thanksgiving, I am trying to rest in gratitude. Life is still good, even when it is hard. I am blessed beyond measure. My life is overflowing with love and goodness, even though there are unmet desires still on my heart. There are hard things that are weighing on me. I am practicing the art of thanking God for all of it, even when I feel like things are unfinished. There is peace in the both/and of it all. I’m learning to have compassion for myself to speak those unmet desires out loud. This is hard for me. It can feel selfish and greedy to tell God about all of the dreams and desires you still have for your life. It can feel like you are ungrateful, passing over all of the good things while focusing on what you don’t have. It doesn’t need to be one or the other. I’ve been saying things to God like - I’m grateful for all of the love in my life and I still desire a family and children of my own. I’m grateful for your provision over my vocation and I still feel like I have unfinished business on this Earth, I feel like have more gifts to share with the world. I’m grateful to You for all of the goodness, and also I’m walking through a hard season right now.
It seems appropriate to me that we begin this season of Advent by resting in gratitude. In our waiting, can we find the things that are still good? Can we take a moment to pause, to thank God and still say, what’s next for me? I think all of that can exist at the same time. Let’s hold space for the both/and.
