We Keep Missing the Point: The Pro-Life vs. Pro-Choice Debate

We’re really going there today. Buckle up! In a lot of ways, this post is a follow-up to my last one on less hate, more love. It really all comes down to that. But let’s rewind for a second. If you’ve known me for a while, you’ll know that in high school, I was deeply involved in the Pro-Life club. I attended the annual March for Life in DC and stood outside of many Planned Parenthoods praying for pregnant people to keep their babies. That was high school Kelly. In college, I quickly learned that I considered myself to be pro-choice, deeply passionate about a person’s right to make decisions about their own body, and proudly became a feminist. It’s funny to think only a few years existed between those two versions of me. We’re complicated, right? Some people might hear those two stories and quickly assume that I change my mind easily and am not really sure of who I am or what my beliefs are. That could all be true. But I also want to say how beautiful and healthy it is to go through change, look at issues differently, and continue to prioritize learning and growing. Change is a good thing!

I could spend this whole time picking apart the pieces that Republicans or Democrats, liberals or conservatives, believers or non-believers are getting right or wrong about this argument. But I think that misses the whole point and the nuance of it all. When I look back at the high school version of Kelly, the college version of Kelly, and the 2023 version of Kelly, there are some things that are different but there is also a lot that hasn’t changed. I feel so grateful that I have spent time on “both sides” of this issue and it has helped me to think about other issues in the same light. What if I intentionally step onto the other side of the debate? Perhaps it might help me to understand a side that I don’t understand yet. This work is hard because it requires that we lay down our judgments, our reactions, and our preconceived notions. But I’ve learned a lot from trying to see this issue from both sides.

I don’t have any quick answers or magical solutions, but I have learned a few things about this issue in particular. What I’ve seen so clearly on both the pro-life and pro-choice “sides” is that all of the people who feel passionately about this issue care about people. They really do. They might not know how to express it, say things in the most helpful or loving ways, or might be speaking in a way that some of us just don’t have ears to hear, but they really do. People are so passionate about this issue because of their care and love for other human beings. I really believe that. The details of that might be different, but at the end of the day, that is where I have seen the passion come from. But although I have seen that so clearly on both “sides,” I really think that very central and key theme often gets muddied and missed under the weight of our grand fight across this country about this topic. It is very easy to start forgetting that people should be at the center of this debate because we all end up being obsessed with being right.

I don’t really put myself in one category or another anymore. Do I love babies, the creation of new life, and the gift of that? Absolutely yes. All day. I think children are the biggest blessing and we should treat them with care and dignity. Do I think people should have the right to make decisions about what is happening in their own bodies? Absolutely yes. 100%. I think pregnant people are amazing, perfect, beautiful blessings too, and also deserve to be treated with care and dignity. And I believe their voices matter. I believe we should have autonomy over our bodies. The 2012 version of Kelly probably would have said those things could not both exist in the same paragraph. But I’m here to tell you: THEY CAN! This is a both/and moment my friends.

The biggest conclusion I’ve drawn in this debate is that we keep missing each other, we keep missing the point and we keep missing each other’s shared humanity. We miss the opportunity to see a pregnant person and love them, care about them, listen to them, understand their worries and walk alongside them in one of the biggest and most challenging decisions they will ever make. Listen, people: most people in the world who get pregnant and choose to have an abortion do so with a lot of thought, a lot of discernment, a lot of worries, a lot of talking through it, a lot of praying, a lot of crying, etc. People are not just out here (generally speaking) getting abortions for fun. This is a serious thing. It’s no joke. Can we please start to honor the dignity of the person standing in front of us and not make them feel like their decision is wrong? It does nothing to help their sense of peace, their sense of self-worth, or support them in one of the biggest decisions of their life. When we throw judgment at people, we make things much worse than they need to be. Throughout my career, I’ve worked with students who have navigated pregnancy, miscarriages, and abortions. I’ve supported friends who have walked through all of those things too. This sh*t is hard. These are not easy decisions and I really think the best thing we can do is show up with listening ears, open hearts and eyes to see what the person really needs. It’s not about me, what I think is right, what I would do. If I want to show people the face of God, I better find a way to put down my own lens and start to approach people with the heart of God.

We have access to medical professionals, doctors, nurses, doulas, therapists, victim advocates, pastors, family and friends who can all be (and should be) a helpful part of making big decisions about whether we are going to choose to carry life into the world or not. My hope and prayer is that in 2023, people in those positions have educated themselves enough to know how to approach someone who is making a decision like this, taking into account ALL of the context that comes with it. That is always going to look different for each individual. I know we aren’t there yet and we have a lot of work to do in all of these fields. But I also don’t need a politician telling me what to do with my body (likely a white, straight, cis man). That’s where I draw the line. To me, the decision will be theirs and we need to let people own their own decisions. I can’t possibly know what is right for them.

If I’m sitting in front of someone who is pregnant because they were raped, I need to approach that conversation from a place of love and not judgment. I do not know what the right answer is in that situation. I could not possibly know. I cannot step into their shoes, I cannot understand their family or financial circumstances, I cannot understand the weight on their mental health, I cannot understand what they must be experiencing in their body. I can empathize, I can listen, I can hear them. But I cannot and should not be telling them what to do in that circumstance. I really believe that in my bones. To me, that is between them and God. The best I can do is be a really, really, really good support system. A support system with open arms and no quick fixes or easy answers. There aren’t any. We need to let that go. That’s where we miss the humanity of another person. I can be a loving and supportive person who helps them unpack their feelings, their sadness, their guilt and shame, their worries, their anxiety, and their fear and helps to support them regardless of the outcome. That is love.

I pray about this issue daily. I really do. It is always on my heart and my mind, both because of what is happening in our world and also because of what I learn from the students and young people I work with on a daily basis. Our young people need our help and support. Our young people are carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. And our society has not really done much in the way of really showing up with real care, help and support. I understand why young people, in particular, make the choice to abort. We are not doing them any favors. Love and support is not just a phrase. If we want people to keep their babies, something about the world we live in needs to shift to make that more viable. Love and support need to come in the form of action, policy change, financial resources, working to prevent Black maternal mortality, ending racism and sexism and homophobia and transphobia, addressing childcare issues, food insecurity, fixing our healthcare and insurance systems, advocating for increased mental health resources, making education more equitable, etc. I could go on and on and on. We are not doing much in the way of support right now. So I get it. I get the decision to abort. We have so many issues and gaps we need to address.

To me, being pro-life means getting honest about these things and working to support causes that honor life, from conception to death. To me, this includes working to eradicate systems of oppression. They are anti-life.

To me, being pro-choice is about honoring someone’s body, their individual circumstances, and their autonomy. It means taking into consideration all of the context of their life and the life they are carrying and supporting them to make the best decision for them. To me, this includes working to eradicate systems of oppression. They are anti-choice and anti-freedom.

This work is not about right or wrong or what side you are on. When we spend all of our time worrying about what side of an issue we are on, we often fail to see the human beings in front of us who need our real love, support, care and action. We have shared goals, we have each other’s humanity, and we have life on the line. We have to start seeing what we have in common. We have to start honoring both life and choice. They do not need to be in opposition to one another. The country we live in has pitted us against each other as if these two things are so opposite that they cannot exist in the same sentence. What I have come to learn is that when people are given real freedom and choices about their own life, they have the freedom to make the best decision for themselves and their bodies. Life comes from that freedom. Life and choice are intimately and inextricably connected. This is shared work. This is a shared cause. Let’s stop fighting about it.