Stop Fighting Fire with Fire
This one might sound like a lesson for a group of kindergartners. The summary of this post is that I think we should all just try to be nicer to each other. You don’t need to read further if you’ve already got that one down :)
Over the last few years, I have encountered some people who were mean to me. Poor me, right (LOL). This isn’t being shared to get sympathy but rather to share what I’ve learned about myself as a result. After a lot of processing and working through some of my own stuff, I’m glad the last few years have played out as they did. I learned some really important lessons that I don’t think I could have otherwise. Most of my life has been marked by a lot of privilege, and to be honest, most people have been pretty nice to me for most of my existence. I know that is mostly because my life has not been marked by being the other, or on the outside.
But over the past few years for whatever reason, I’ve experienced more judgment, more hate, more anger, passive aggressiveness, etc. than probably ever before. All of it hurt. We can all pretend to be strong and not let things impact us, but the truth is, they do. Let’s be clear here. I understand why people might have reacted in the ways that they did. I know that I (just as much as everyone else) have caused harm, even if it was unintentional. I’m not trying to paint the picture that I’ve never done anything wrong. I make mistakes, I could have made some different decisions, I could have communicated better, I could have slowed down a bit more, I could have done a lot of things but I don’t really think that some of those mistakes justified the kinds of reactions I got from people.
I’m not going to dwell on this stuff because frankly, it doesn’t really matter. But those moments have taught me a lot. As I tried to process what was happening around me, I started to look inwards. It’s true that we shouldn’t start throwing stones until we take a good, hard look at ourselves and our own behaviors. Typically, my default reaction is to fight fire with fire. If you know me well, I have a little (read: a lot) of fire in my belly and my soul. If you push, my gut reaction is to push back. I’m a little (lot) stubborn, I am a fierce protector of people and causes I care about, and I don’t like to be messed around with. I don’t really sugarcoat things and I’m gonna tell you how I feel. We can thank my Grandma Finn because I tend to act like her (and also my dad, love you) ;) Over the last few years, I’ve been working on some practices to help balance out some of those gut reactions. I’ve learned a lot about the ways that fighting fire with fire is not always the most helpful reaction.
For those of us who go to this place by default, I’d encourage you to think about how your reactions are serving others, and more importantly, yourself. What I’ve learned through practice is that when I react with my tough edges (anger, aggression, tough girl persona), I often cause more harm than good to others and myself. When I step into conflict armored up, ready to defend myself, I tend to make the problem bigger and hurt more people in my path. Even if the cause is just and worthy, I’ve learned that over time, those tough, rough, sharp edges end up hurting me too. It gets exhausting to walk around this world always looking for a fight and always looking to defend your position. For a while, I wanted to believe that if I were right, the fight would be worth it. It turns out, it rarely is. What I’ve learned is that the more meaningful, transformative, and productive conflicts happen when I’m able to lay down my weapons, my sharp words, and my quick judgments and open my heart and mind to understanding.
This is easier said than done. When you’ve convinced yourself that you have absolutely nothing in common with your “enemy,” it can be hard to look at them with a heart of empathy, trying to understand what they might be carrying with them. For me, this work has been about trying to understand someone else’s perspective, looking for more common ground rather than just pointing out our differences, and trying to practice more gentle, loving words rather than trying to cut people with my words.
Because I’m human, there are still plenty of people that probably don’t like me. That’s cool. I don’t think my goal is to be liked by everyone, but to try to take on the posture of empathy as much as I can. Even if taking this posture doesn’t end up resulting in everyone liking you or gracefully walking through conflict like it’s no big deal, I’ve seen how much more productive it is in my own life. The sharp edges end up hurting you too. Walking through the world so tough and defensive eventually starts to wear on your own heart. To be honest, I don’t like the person that I am when I’m in this posture. It’s not really my nature - it is the way that I’ve been conditioned and practiced because of the places and spaces I’ve occupied. I think there’s a time and a place for that posture, but it’s amazing the way your shoulders can sink down and your heart can open up when you’re not looking for a fight all the time.
I’ve learned the hard way that walking around the world trying to defend my position doesn’t help us get anywhere. These days, I’m trying to approach people with a lot more openness and the ability to see things through someone else’s eyes. It’s a practice because it requires daily attention.
I want to live in a world that is full of more love, more peace, more inclusion, less judgment, less hate, and less anger. If I want the world to look like that, I’ve learned that it starts in my own heart. Let’s stop fighting fire with fire, especially when the fire you intend to give to someone else ends up setting your own soul ablaze too.
