Looking for God in All of the Places
This post is a hard one to write. It’s been in my head for a while, but I’ve had trouble articulating how I feel. I feel like this topic brings me back to the theology I was taught when I was 14. And while that is somewhat helpful, my theology has evolved a lot since then (thank goodness). As I look back on things that have happened in my life, I can see myself looking for God in all of the places. Some people might say looking for God in all of the (wrong) places, and while that might be true, I’d like to think that God had a plan all along. I don’t think it was really in the wrong places, I just think I needed to travel down that path to get to the path I’m on now. It can be hard to admit, but I think there are battered, bruised and broken parts of me that I spent a lot of time trying to mask, to cover up and to soothe with all kinds of things. Ultimately, what I think most of us are looking for on this Earth is love. We look for it in our friends, our family, our romantic relationships, etc. We look for it in drugs, alcohol, sex, material items, money, etc. All of that stuff can be fleeting and unfulfilling. A lot of us spend our whole lives looking to fill a void. I remember as a teenage girl being told that nothing will satisfy that desire and heal your brokenness other than God. And I think that’s true. But I think the part that got left behind in that conversation is that you also need to love yourself. In this season, I feel like I have been accepting God’s love for me which has allowed me to love me better. It is true that I’ve spent a lot of time searching for something that no other human can give me. I’ve tried and failed over and over again. And it is true that God is the one who loves me unconditionally and fills the voids. But it’s hard to even accept God’s love for you when you don’t love you. It can honestly be a pretty vicious cycle. If I don’t love me, how can God love me? If I can’t see God’s love for me, how can I love me? These are the real questions we might be asking ourselves.
Although I have always had a sense of confidence in myself, I’m not sure that I really deeply loved me. I’m still working on that. I think that a portion of where that love comes from is being connected to the God who really sees me, knows me and loves me. I don’t know that I always have the strength or wisdom or grace to love me the way I need to be loved. But God does. God can show me how it’s done and I can follow along. Lately, I feel like I’ve been so filled and sustained by what God has for me that I’m not looking for someone else to try to measure up. I don’t need things to feel loved. To me, the love of my family and friends and all of my people is just a bonus and a reflection of God’s love for me. It’s overflow. But the true love that I need doesn’t come from people or things, it comes from God who isn’t going anywhere.
In this season, I’m releasing some of the guilt and shame around the idea that I was looking for God in the wrong places. Frankly, it’s not helpful to beat yourself up about that. We all find ourselves in places and situations that might not be the best for us, but guess what? God still loves us there. God still meets us there. When I thought my relationship with God was over, He still showed up for me. You can’t ever outrun the love of God. And this is the good news. No matter how messy our lives get, God still loves us. It’s actually really quite simple. When I chose to focus my life on the love of God, to love God and let God love me, everything got a lot easier. Other things just started falling into place. I don’t need to try so hard when I just let God love me. We don’t need to get wrapped up in a guilt and shame spiral when we’ve strayed or walked in a different direction. We’re never apart from God’s love, even when it might feel that way.
