Suffering Well
This sounds like an oxymoron. I have heard this phrase used again and again and for a while, it didn’t really make much sense to me. How can being well be a part of suffering? I’ve heard this phrase used to try to explain why a good and loving God allows suffering to happen in this world. That always feels painful to accept when you are right in the middle of suffering.
We all experience our fair share of suffering, some probably more than others. The world we live in today is in fact designed so that some people suffer more than others. I acknowledge that I have privilege in this area - I don’t suffer because of the color of my skin, my socioeconomic status, my religion, my abilities, etc. But I have suffered. We all have. This is part of what connects us and offers us a sense of shared humanity.
For a while, I didn’t understand suffering. It didn’t make sense to me. How could a God who loves us allow us to suffer? The more I come to understand and accept suffering as part of my life, the more I can see the value in it. My own suffering felt like it took me away from God for a lot of years, but it turns out that my suffering also brought me back into a more intentional and committed relationship with God. But I had to get out of my own way. I had to look up from my own despair and see that my pain was more bearable when I had God as a part of it again.
During the height of my suffering, I was too scared of being vulnerable to let anyone in - my friends, my family and even God. I thought I needed to just be strong and get through it and didn’t need help from anyone. What I’ve learned now is what it means to suffer well.
I think this looks different for everyone. For me, suffering well means letting myself feel and feel deeply. Suffering well means connecting with the heart of Jesus, who suffered for all of us. For me, suffering well means letting others into my pain so I can connect with our shared humanity. For me, suffering well means taking deep care of myself during the pain. For me, suffering well means trusting God even when I don’t have all of the answers. For me, suffering well doesn’t mean acting like everything is fine. It doesn’t mean toxic optimism. It doesn’t mean that I have to put on a show. It means leaning into the depths of pain, the depths of my humanity, and the depths of love.
It turns out that God is with us in our pain. Our friends will be with us in our pain if we let them in. If they are not, maybe get some new friends :) Beautiful things can be born out of great suffering - connecting more deeply with each other, being able to express how much we love our people and this life, and helping us realize that we have a lot more in common than we think we do. Suffering has helped to ground me in practices to really care for myself in deeper and more helpful ways. Without the suffering, I’m not sure I would have learned what I have in this life.
I’ll leave you with this scripture from Isaiah 43 which has held me together in dark times:
“But now, God’s Message,
the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
the One who got you started, Israel:
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.”
Don’t let your brain trick you into thinking you are alone in your pain. You are not. We have all been there and we can love you even more because we’ve shared an experience of pain with you. Look up from it and tell God about your pain. God already knows. Tell your friends that you are not okay and you need their support. People will show up for you. Suffering well means letting yourself be honest about your pain and letting yourself be healed.
