Holding Space
It’s ironic that I’m starting this post in the busiest month of my year. We learn lessons when we most need them, amirite? 😂 The concept of holding space has been on my heart and mind recently in terms of how we relate to other people. The world we live in is always so go-go-go so we often have very little space. I’m sitting here writing this in the first moments of sitting on my couch all week. I’ve lived the life of go-go-go this week (and on a few other occasions) and it’s not lost on me that I often run out of space to hold for other people.
When I think of holding space for other people in a relational context, I think about living lightly and being in relationships in a way where I don’t put my own beliefs or thinking on someone. I try to be a person who lets my people be who they are, without my interference in the way. For me, to hold space means to acknowledge all of the context someone finds themselves in while guarding against my own “stuff” getting in the way. This is easier said than done, people. I would be lying if I said I always enter relationships or conversations without letting my own stuff get in the way. We’re only human, and of course, our own perspectives are going to shape the way we see other people and their own situations. But, it becomes really impossible to do this when we’re not holding space for ourselves.
I’ve learned (sometimes the hard way) that in order to be a person who can hold the good, the bad and the ugly someone else might be experiencing, I have to allow for enough space to process all of my own stuff first. This is just ongoing, daily work. Some days are easier than others. Some days I feel totally grounded, present, and at peace. And other days, for whatever reason, I feel charged up, off balance, and ready to react in unhelpful ways. I am never going to be perfect (neither are you 😉), but being aware and mindful of your own current state of being is SOOOO helpful to other people. In the last few years, I’ve worked to practice checking in with myself before engaging in a conversation that I might not have the capacity for.
Before Facetiming, calling, texting or hanging out with my friends who might want to have a difficult conversation or dive into some emotionally charged conversation, I stop myself and check in with how I’m doing. I might ask myself things like:
How is my emotional state?
Am I feeling easily triggered today?
Do I have a sense of peace in my heart and body today?
What do I need to do to better ground myself?
Am I ready for this?
Can I have this conversation without letting my own stuff get in the way?
Am I showing up as the best version of myself right now?
Am I able to be present?
This type of conversation is always happening in my head. It’s happening when I meet with students who have experienced trauma, it is present with my friends when we are talking about difficult things, and it even happens in casual conversation that might be triggering to me in some way.
I continue to work on being a person who shows up and is able to hold space for other people. But if I don’t spend time holding space for myself, my own feelings, my own intuition, and my own thinking before entering the moment of holding space for someone else, I can tell you, I will fail. Tend to your own heart, mind, and body before trying to take on that space with another person.
It is a beautiful gift to be in human relationships where we can explore and excavate the depths of our souls and talk about the hardest stuff in life. Those are the relationships I hold most dear. But they only work when each person is committed to doing their own work to show up in the most present and authentic way for someone else.
Holding space for you all today and also me too ❤️
